Reflecting on balancing childcare and work now that my child is an adult
My current working style
Hi, I’m Shoko, a freelance web developer in my 50s.
At mgn, I am in charge of business direction, accounting and general affairs as a subcontractor.
I do web production during the week, teach at a vocational school twice a week in the evening, and babysit on weekends.
Nowadays, there is a constant promotion for “measures to combat the declining birthrate” in Japan. And so, let me talk about how I raised my child 20 years ago, and how I managed to balance work and parenting.
Workplace where you can’t leave, Monday morning ‘till Saturday afternoon
The first web production company I worked for was just a busy place to work. I brought a sleeping bag for camping under my desk, worked until dawn, slept on the floor every night, and headed for the computer as soon as I woke up.
At the time, I was fairly young and really enjoyed working with my favorite Web career. So, I spent half the time at the company as if I was in a training camp, and it certainly was physically and mentally demanding.
From that time on, I thought to myself, “One day I will become an independent business owner!” and so I told myself, “This is my training”.
Then, in the first half of the year 2000, after becoming independent, getting married, and giving birth, I began a life of “work & childcare”.
When the ‘three-year-old child’ myth was still strong
Today, many families are made up of both working husband and wife. However, 20 years ago, many people chose to quit their jobs and became full-time housewives after marriage.
In our family, my husband is an office worker and goes to work every day. I was working from home, which was not common at the time. I worked from home and started the daycare service when my kid was 8 months old. My husband had a job with a relatively low workload, so I think he was quite supportive for the family.
Initially, my in-laws were opposed to the idea of sending our kid to the daycare center. This was at a time when the idea that children ‘should grow up with their mothers until they are about three years old’ was still strong. This is the so-called “three-year-old myth”. I remember trying to persuade them by saying things like, “It is better for children to be exposed to other kids and adults in the daycare so that they can develop social skills.” And actually, once my kid started going to the daycare center, due to its positive environment, my in-laws soon accepted the idea.
Days when I felt guilty leaving my child in daycare
Image by Adobe Firefly
I will never forget the taste of the coffee I got in front of the station, on the morning when I first left my child in daycare. In a life where I had to constantly watch over my child and be on my toes, being able to “have time by myself, in a shop, drinking coffee and relaxing” just made me so happy.
One day, due to having a meeting nearby, I had time to walk around the station area. At the same time, I bumped into a daycare worker who was doing her afternoon shift on the street. Though we just greeted each other with a smile and parted, what was actually in my head was…
“um..I’m not just window shopping here. I’m actually going to a business meeting now!”
That was my defense.
And the reason why I was so troubled about it was that,
The purpose of daycare centers are originally for working parents, and the only time they can leave their children in the daycare is when they are working.
Yeah, it was something like this.
If you leave your child in a daycare center, you must work during that time! I really felt like I shouldn’t have any leisure time, so I was stuck at my computer from the time I dropped off my child to the time I picked them up.
When I didn’t have any work to do, I always felt the need to somehow find some new task to tackle. Then, when it was time to pick up my child, I thought to myself, “Why am I working like this all this time? Perhaps it would have been better if I could spend time with my child without having to drop them off. I’m sorry.”
I left my child in the daycare with a sense of guilt.
Looking back at it now, I feel I don’t have to be that dramatic, do I?
Well, that was how I spent my first few years.
Seek nearby friends than distant relatives
What I did during busy times was interacting with other mom friends whom I met at the daycare center and other families in my neighborhood whom has children of the same age as mine. So conveniently, I can leave my child with them on a daily basis.
Occasionally, my mother or my mother-in-law would come to visit, but for the most part, I was able to get by with the “leaving my kid with a nearby mom friend” approach.
My apartment is on the first floor, but I have a small yard in front where my neighbors and I can both come and go without having to lock the door.
Both of my neighbors were families with children of the same age, so they often came to the front yard.
On Saturday mornings, children who woke up earlier than their parents would come tapping on my window, and started playing in the room together. They would eat lunch together and go to the park together in the afternoon, spending time together like brothers and sisters.
However, it was not as if we were taking care of other children every week. My work often required me to work on weekends, and if I had to go out for a meeting on a weekday and my husband comes home late, I would often had to leave my child with our neighbor.
I was just trying my best to take care of what was in front of me
Looking back, I feel that rather than trying to “balance work and childcare,” I was simply taking care of the things in front of me, one after another.
Even though, I did my best to lighten my house chores as much as possible. Especially cleaning, I neglected cleaning most of the time.
Things I was aware of when raising my child
Show them that you enjoy working ⇒ When children see their parents working with a tired face and saying things like, “I don’t want to work…I hate my job,” they will starts to think, “Being an adult seems hard. I want to stay a child forever. I don’t want to become adults.” For me, I always told them specifically what kind of work I was doing by saying things like, “This is the kind of work I am doing now,” or “I learned this today.”
Enjoy doing things that your child is interested in together ⇒ It could be anything, like trains, cartoons, or video games…etc. When adults can enjoy doing activities together with their kids, new insights and ideas that would not normally occur in their adult life are form, and these are often useful later in their work life.
Sometimes, show your weakness or complain ⇒ “I don’t want to cook anymore!” or “I had such a bad day today…” Sometimes, my child would give me advice on what to do when they see I’m not feeling my best.
Even after 20 years, I’m still not satisfied with parenting.
Image by Adobe Firefly
After rushing through the chaos days of nursery, elementary school years and doing freelance work through most of my life, I have finally reached a milestone.
In the third year of high school, it was decided that my child would go on to a university in a rural area. It was as if a bell was ringing with words, “Okay. Now, you’re done with parenting!”
Some people might say, “I’m finally done with parenting! From now on I’ll do what I want to do!.” However, in my case, I had always been in an environment where I could do whatever I wanted in the job that I like. The loss of parenting and losing my child to adulthood was greater than the joy of being able to fully enjoy my freedom. Moreover, around the same time, my Shiba Inu passed away at an early age of 4, and my husband and I were spending many countless days in tears.
In the midst of all this, I was sitting on a park bench in a daze, watching the elementary school kids running around.
I thought to myself, “I wish I could run and play in the park with my kid like that again…”
The next thing I knew, I was on my phone, searching for “babysitter services.”
After working as a babysitter, I got my childcare license
After a year and a half of experience working as a babysitter for an agency in the weekends, I got my certification as a qualified childcare worker. Also, within this year I received training as a “Tokyo Metropolitan Childcare Support Consultant”. I am now receiving 4 to 5 requests a month through matching apps and private requests, and I am expanding the range of what I can do in childcare.
For those who are worried about their ability to raise a child
In today’s world, I think it is perfectly acceptable to choose not to have children. Some people want to have children but cannot have them. Others are anxious when they start thinking about money, work, etc.
In my case, these are some of the big factors in having successful parenting. I only had one child, so I was able to manage financially. Also, I was blessed with the environment around me and being able to work the way I wanted.
Though this may not be very helpful for other people. There is one thing I can say.
“You can experience a world that your child see, right alongside them.”
This will be a lot of fun and so many new and refreshing discoveries will be made every day.
At least, for me.
Therefore, if anyone is wondering whether or not to have a baby, I would like to say, “You will definitely have a lot of fun!”
For now, please rely on what you can rely on! Whether it is baby related appliances, a babysitter or a neighbor, there are many people and products that can assist you. There is no need for you to be perfect in housework or parenting.